The Gospel Meets Self-Pity
Today in the shower (that's where I do some of my deepest thinking) I had a sobering thought. I was thinking about the famous phrase, "Preach the gospel at all times; if necessary use words." I wondered to myself what my life was "preaching" to others when I was met with a sad realization: what I "preach," or at least what I convey, when I'm out and about is "I'm tired. Get me out of here!"
It's no secret that raising preschoolers is work. Three of them under five really is a handful. And some life stages really are more challenging. Like, say, an abrupt move with three small kids and a three-day hospital stay with one of them shortly after. It is stressful. I am tired. Still, my default has become a "poor me" attitude. Without fail when I'm out with the kids I'm met with comments like, "Oh, wow, I bet you're tired!" or "You must be so busy!" or "You sure have your hands full!" Sometimes it's just a sympathetic look. Let me first say that I appreciate the thought behind those words. It's encouraging to know that others recognize the challenges that this stage brings, that they sympathize with me. But it breeds an attitude of pity, like I am a victim of some awful circumstance. Our culture is big on "me time." I appreciate the sentiment. I need time away from others to refresh and rebuild and have new energy to pour into my family. It's true. But when I start thinking I"m entitled to "me time," some strange things happen. I begin to resent my husband for not being able to give me a whole day away. I begrudge my children for "disrupting" my life. And heaven forbid I'm interrupted in the middle of that me time! Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned or a young mother interrupted in the middle of her time away!
So, armed with this "sympathy" and entitlement, I go out to buy groceries with my children like some saintly suffering servant. I endure their fits and constant chatter with the forbearance that only comes from suffering. I shoot these downcast looks at other parents, hoping to hear something to validate me. Pathetic! What I'm preaching is not a gospel of peace, grace, and blessing. It's something else entirely.
And the worse part is, that's not how I feel about my life at all. Yes, I may be tired. But I am living a life of privilege. God has blessed me with these children. They are a gift bestowed on me, a sign of favor. And what's more, this is the life I want to be living. When I used to daydream about the future, it was always about this season: about raising preschoolers. So why this attitude?
The fact is that until I learn to look at my life and my challenging circumstances differently, I will live with a victim mentality and the message that I convey will be one of pity and need, and not an empowered spirit. There are things I can't control, but with God's help I can learn to look above those circumstances and grab hold of the grace and peace, the power of the gospel that sustains me. Then the message that is preached in my daily life will be one that is useful to others. Then I can encourage and share the hope and the peace that are out there awaiting each of us. It's not turning a blind eye to the challenges. But it's learning to live with them, and not in spite of them. I do need to know that there are others who understand the challenges of raising a young family. But there are. I have friends who are in this stage with me. I have friends and family who are a few steps ahead on the journey who are faithful to help me see the blessings in the midst and to extend me grace in the hard moments. They are enough. I do need time for myself. But I will get it. It may not be all in one dramatic pampering day. But it comes in the quiet moments when my kids are all down for naps and sleeping or reading in their rooms. It comes when they're all in bed at night and the house is quiet for just a couple of hours. It comes when Micah is able to be home and I can buy groceries by myself. These moments are enough. And with all the energy that's left after I've stopped pitying myself, I'm called to love the life I've been given, to pour my best into my husband and children, and to show the world that even with difficult circumstances, there's a God who loves them and waits to redeem them and their circumstances.
It's no secret that raising preschoolers is work. Three of them under five really is a handful. And some life stages really are more challenging. Like, say, an abrupt move with three small kids and a three-day hospital stay with one of them shortly after. It is stressful. I am tired. Still, my default has become a "poor me" attitude. Without fail when I'm out with the kids I'm met with comments like, "Oh, wow, I bet you're tired!" or "You must be so busy!" or "You sure have your hands full!" Sometimes it's just a sympathetic look. Let me first say that I appreciate the thought behind those words. It's encouraging to know that others recognize the challenges that this stage brings, that they sympathize with me. But it breeds an attitude of pity, like I am a victim of some awful circumstance. Our culture is big on "me time." I appreciate the sentiment. I need time away from others to refresh and rebuild and have new energy to pour into my family. It's true. But when I start thinking I"m entitled to "me time," some strange things happen. I begin to resent my husband for not being able to give me a whole day away. I begrudge my children for "disrupting" my life. And heaven forbid I'm interrupted in the middle of that me time! Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned or a young mother interrupted in the middle of her time away!
So, armed with this "sympathy" and entitlement, I go out to buy groceries with my children like some saintly suffering servant. I endure their fits and constant chatter with the forbearance that only comes from suffering. I shoot these downcast looks at other parents, hoping to hear something to validate me. Pathetic! What I'm preaching is not a gospel of peace, grace, and blessing. It's something else entirely.
And the worse part is, that's not how I feel about my life at all. Yes, I may be tired. But I am living a life of privilege. God has blessed me with these children. They are a gift bestowed on me, a sign of favor. And what's more, this is the life I want to be living. When I used to daydream about the future, it was always about this season: about raising preschoolers. So why this attitude?
The fact is that until I learn to look at my life and my challenging circumstances differently, I will live with a victim mentality and the message that I convey will be one of pity and need, and not an empowered spirit. There are things I can't control, but with God's help I can learn to look above those circumstances and grab hold of the grace and peace, the power of the gospel that sustains me. Then the message that is preached in my daily life will be one that is useful to others. Then I can encourage and share the hope and the peace that are out there awaiting each of us. It's not turning a blind eye to the challenges. But it's learning to live with them, and not in spite of them. I do need to know that there are others who understand the challenges of raising a young family. But there are. I have friends who are in this stage with me. I have friends and family who are a few steps ahead on the journey who are faithful to help me see the blessings in the midst and to extend me grace in the hard moments. They are enough. I do need time for myself. But I will get it. It may not be all in one dramatic pampering day. But it comes in the quiet moments when my kids are all down for naps and sleeping or reading in their rooms. It comes when they're all in bed at night and the house is quiet for just a couple of hours. It comes when Micah is able to be home and I can buy groceries by myself. These moments are enough. And with all the energy that's left after I've stopped pitying myself, I'm called to love the life I've been given, to pour my best into my husband and children, and to show the world that even with difficult circumstances, there's a God who loves them and waits to redeem them and their circumstances.
