Grace and Tantrums
I think every kid has their phase, and every family has their kid. The one who pushes the limits and tests the boundaries and patience of even the best-intentioned parent. I knew there would be these days. This personality in the mix. The kid who has to test it out and prove it for himself, and make up his own mind about his own views of the world. In general, I think it's a good thing. I know once Thomas decides something, he will commit to it fully. He doesn't take his words lightly and he will not say something he doesn't mean. He wants to test it and make up his own mind, and once he has, he backs his opinions and beliefs 100%. And isn't that what I want for my son? But, oh, the days when he's testing and pushing and making up that mind...
Today was one of those days. Test after test. Fit after fit. One thing after another after another after another. By 9 am I was worn down. I sat down in the playroom to watch him play with Cora, interceding every few minutes to settle fights and disagreements. Finally in the midst of another fit, he threw his head into my lap, crying and carrying on. I was scolding him, reaching for my coffee to get it out of the way when his head shot up. He bumped the bottom of my coffee cup nearly knocking it out of my hand. We both froze and in a second I saw in my mind what he must have seen on my face. I know it was ugly, because his little eyes welled up with tears and he cried a different kind of cry. He had frustrated me, worn me down, and at that moment, angered me. And I let him see it all in my face. Oh, if I could take that moment back. If I could hide that look in my eyes. He ran from the room, crying as a little boy who's had his spirit crushed. I wasn't angry or frustrated or disappointed in his behavior. I'd let myself feel those things toward him, and he saw it. I hung my head and sobbed and prayed.
"Oh, Lord. I know these days are part of life. I know it's healthy for him to test boundaries. I know I won't understand each of my children all the time. But I have struggled long and hard through this phase. I'm worn down. I'm exhausted. I used to see other people's kids in these phases and think it would never be mine. But, oh, Lord. What I didn't consider was how deeply I would love him. I don't want to crush him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't even want to be at odds with him. I want to enjoy my son and love him and build him up. I'm so sorry."
I was broken. I pulled Thomas into my arms and apologized. I talked to him for a long time and held him and tickled him. At three, a good tickle covers over a multitude of sins. He was a happier kid after that. But me... I agonized over that moment. I replayed it over and over and wished for all I was worth that I could take it back. I loaded the kids up shortly after and drove to our moms' group. We meet every Wednesday morning for a book and Bible study. We've been studying a book called, "Give Them Grace" (although my copy still hasn't arrived in the mail after two weeks!). I'm itching to get into it and read, because I know it is exactly what I need to read in the midst of these times. This morning, our study leader went on a little tangent to talk about grace, the grace that's extended to us as moms. Call it coincidence, but they were the words I so badly needed to hear. They were like balm on an open wound. I am forgiven. What's more, God doesn't even see the things I've done wrong. We read several verses that talked about what He does with our sin. He tramples it and throws it into the sea. He separates it as far as the east is from the west. He separates us from it and turns His back on it. When He sees me, He sees none of it. Yes, there are consequences for the things I've done, but there is no condemnation. I move forward, separated from my sin, reconciled with God, free to do better the next time with His help. What He extends to me is sweet, uncomplicated grace. Oh, how I needed those words today.
Naptime is in progress, and I'm praying for a much better afternoon. I'm ever mindful that I am playing a huge role in shaping who these three little people become. It's terrifying to think of the power to build them up or crush them, of the potential for me to make mistakes. But what a relief to know that I am covered by God's grace. Even when I get it wrong, and I often will, God's grace is there to cradle and restore me. And what's more, that same grace is extended to my children, when they make mistakes. I am relying heavily on that grace through these challenging days, knowing that the same God who is shaping me is shaping them despite my blunders, and stands ready to extend to us all mercy and grace as we stumble along.
Today was one of those days. Test after test. Fit after fit. One thing after another after another after another. By 9 am I was worn down. I sat down in the playroom to watch him play with Cora, interceding every few minutes to settle fights and disagreements. Finally in the midst of another fit, he threw his head into my lap, crying and carrying on. I was scolding him, reaching for my coffee to get it out of the way when his head shot up. He bumped the bottom of my coffee cup nearly knocking it out of my hand. We both froze and in a second I saw in my mind what he must have seen on my face. I know it was ugly, because his little eyes welled up with tears and he cried a different kind of cry. He had frustrated me, worn me down, and at that moment, angered me. And I let him see it all in my face. Oh, if I could take that moment back. If I could hide that look in my eyes. He ran from the room, crying as a little boy who's had his spirit crushed. I wasn't angry or frustrated or disappointed in his behavior. I'd let myself feel those things toward him, and he saw it. I hung my head and sobbed and prayed.
"Oh, Lord. I know these days are part of life. I know it's healthy for him to test boundaries. I know I won't understand each of my children all the time. But I have struggled long and hard through this phase. I'm worn down. I'm exhausted. I used to see other people's kids in these phases and think it would never be mine. But, oh, Lord. What I didn't consider was how deeply I would love him. I don't want to crush him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't even want to be at odds with him. I want to enjoy my son and love him and build him up. I'm so sorry."
I was broken. I pulled Thomas into my arms and apologized. I talked to him for a long time and held him and tickled him. At three, a good tickle covers over a multitude of sins. He was a happier kid after that. But me... I agonized over that moment. I replayed it over and over and wished for all I was worth that I could take it back. I loaded the kids up shortly after and drove to our moms' group. We meet every Wednesday morning for a book and Bible study. We've been studying a book called, "Give Them Grace" (although my copy still hasn't arrived in the mail after two weeks!). I'm itching to get into it and read, because I know it is exactly what I need to read in the midst of these times. This morning, our study leader went on a little tangent to talk about grace, the grace that's extended to us as moms. Call it coincidence, but they were the words I so badly needed to hear. They were like balm on an open wound. I am forgiven. What's more, God doesn't even see the things I've done wrong. We read several verses that talked about what He does with our sin. He tramples it and throws it into the sea. He separates it as far as the east is from the west. He separates us from it and turns His back on it. When He sees me, He sees none of it. Yes, there are consequences for the things I've done, but there is no condemnation. I move forward, separated from my sin, reconciled with God, free to do better the next time with His help. What He extends to me is sweet, uncomplicated grace. Oh, how I needed those words today.
Naptime is in progress, and I'm praying for a much better afternoon. I'm ever mindful that I am playing a huge role in shaping who these three little people become. It's terrifying to think of the power to build them up or crush them, of the potential for me to make mistakes. But what a relief to know that I am covered by God's grace. Even when I get it wrong, and I often will, God's grace is there to cradle and restore me. And what's more, that same grace is extended to my children, when they make mistakes. I am relying heavily on that grace through these challenging days, knowing that the same God who is shaping me is shaping them despite my blunders, and stands ready to extend to us all mercy and grace as we stumble along.
