Life Goes On
Over the past few months I've had two separate opportunities to "play nurse" when I was out in public. Both were unexpected situations; both meant responding in the moment to a need. After the second incident, in the middle of one of my especially bad days, I sat thinking through all the things I could do if I were only better. I thought of how much more easily I could have responded to those situations, how I could have helped more people, how I could have really done something great if I'd been stronger. Finally, frustrated, I prayed, "God, I just wish you would make me better so I could do more!"
His answer was crystal clear.
Were you better when you were called on in these two situations? Were you better when I used you then? I used you in the middle of your weakness, and I'll continue to do it. You don't have to be well to be useful.
Talk about silencing me in an instant!
Before the onset of all of my symptoms, there were a great many things I was passionate about: working with mothers battling addiction, hosting company at our house, community, our neighbors, our family, writing. I was busily engaged in each of them, with dreams and hopes and places where I felt God was calling me related to each. One of my first questions when I started using the cane--and then the wheelchair--was "How will this impact my work with moms with substance use issues?"
Sometimes life throws us a curve ball. Sometimes we have to adjust course, make changes to our plans, maybe even let go of the plans altogether. But I had unfinished business. I had specific things that I felt God had called me to: namely working with these moms, opening our home to host others, and finishing my schooling. I felt a certainty, before any symptom made its appearance, that those things were priorities.
In the messiness of the past ten months, I've spent many hours laying these three things before God. What now? What about these things? Did I hear you wrong? Is it time to change course? Do I leave these things behind? What about the certainty I felt about pursuing them--the tangible steps we'd taken in those directions--before I got sick? And then finally, God, didn't you know all along this was coming, even as you were pushing us in these directions beforehand?
On that last question, my heart rested. All of this was a surprise to us--but it wasn't to him. He knew before any of it that this was just around the bend. And yet, he had called us, given us specific next steps, led us down paths that would seem, at times, a little doubtful in the haze of sickness. There were other things we felt less strongly. Those things we let go of, we changed course. But these three things remained on our hearts.
It came down to this: God knew beforehand, and life goes on.
Life continues on, with our without my health! The calling is still there, though the specifics may look different than I anticipated. I continue to advocate for moms, and continue to learn all that I can about addiction itself. I finished up my Bachelor's degree this past month, and I am beginning my Master's in a couple of weeks. We are moving forward with some home improvements that will allow us to host people more easily. Life goes on. Life goes on!
When we wait for just the right moment, just the right situation, just the right feeling we miss out. Sometimes fullness is lived out when we feel least full. Sometimes the circumstances require more faith to step forward than we could have anticipated. But life goes on. One foot in front of the other, we keep walking on. In spite of the changes we didn't anticipate. In spite of the challenges that threatened to set us back. In spite of all of it, we don't question in the dark what we know God has told us in the light. God knew beforehand, and life goes on.
