Straight Paths
Today marks 35 days until I start my new job. 35 days to figure out what our life will look like: will our house have sold? Will we find another in time? Will I return to Indiana on my own to work? Will Micah and the kids come with me? Will we stay with family? Will we rent a house? Will we afford living in two places? Will Micah stay home full-time? Will he work on more schooling? Will he find part-time work? Will we work out childcare? Will the boys get into the school we've applied to?
Monday was a very hard day. We woke to find Thomas' face swollen, his body covered in hives. With his history of breathing trouble, especially allergy-related trouble, the doctor recommended a trip to the emergency room. Around that time a friend called, heartbroken over news she'd received. Several other friends were facing crises, and they were heavy on my heart. New variables came up related to our move, and the weight of more decisions that were hard to make and harder to explain was crushing. Evening came and Micah came home from work. We began to talk about all of these things as I made supper, and suddenly it was too much. I choked back tears and said, "I just need a few minutes in our room. I just need to be alone, to cry it out." I went upstairs, hung my head in my hands, and sobbed. Why, Lord? Why are you doing, allowing, all these things in my friends' lives? Why can't one transition be straightforward? Why another round of decisions? Can't the path just be straight and simple for once?
I sat there in silence, crying, praying. I stretched my arms out and named each of the things that was weighing heavily on my heart. It was a long list. Why? Where was the wisdom I needed for all these decisions? Where are you, God? And then, in the silence,
Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
I've been trusting, Lord! I've been trying so hard. In my heart of hearts, I know you'll provide. I've never doubted it. But HOW?
Trust in the Lord.
Trust doesn't see answers or ways or often even what the next step will be.
We went hiking over the weekend. The trail was covered in leaves from the fall and new spring sprouts. It was beautiful. At one point, I was leading the way. The leaves and sprouts were so thick that I could just make out the trail in front of me. Then, suddenly, it took a turn. It completely disappeared and for about fifteen feet, I couldn't see a trail at all. Then, in the distance, I saw the trail pick up again. I knew, I knew, it was a moment for me.
Trust is like that. We know where we are; we know where we'll be. But sometimes the trail in between is hidden from our sight. Trust.
Lean not on your own understanding.
Ha. I actually laughed! My understanding? What did I even begin to understand in all this? I was so far beyond grasping what he was doing, that it was almost funny to think about leaning on my understanding.
But I am. I'm making decisions based on what I see, how I perceive things.
The God who created the universe, who thought it, and spoke it into being; the God who created such intricate connections and subtleties in all that he made that we are only beginning to grasp it all... That God tells me to ask for wisdom, to trust his wisdom. What is my understanding?
In all your ways, ackowledge him.
There has not been a moment in all of this transition, in all of the crises friends and family are facing, when we have not stopped to acknowledge you, to seek your will, to ask what you would have us do.
I have acknowledged him by seeking him, but have I acknowledged who he is? Have I acknowledged that he is bigger than all these situations? Have I acknowledged that this story is not about me at all, but about him? There are bigger things happening here, and yet I make it a simple story of survival. The richness, the layers of what he's doing in and around me...
I am listening to my "Bebo Norman" station on Pandora today. It always seems to resonate on days like this, to fill me with encouragement and words for where I am. But today I've been frustrated. Every song has been about God's attributes--not how he helps me, but about his character, who he is. They've been worship songs. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it made me angry. And then I began to listen. This God, this powerful, pure, wise, awe-inspiring God--he's the one this story is about. Acknowledge him. Take your eyes off of yourself, off of your situation, and look at him.
And he will make your paths straight.
I froze. I stopped still where I was, because the age-old words mimicked exactly what I had unconsciously prayed. Straight paths. Oh, how I wanted a straight path! Yes, I had to do those other things. But this was not a checklist to guarantee some sort of result. This was a promise. The God who spoke it was already doing it. He was already--always had been-- at work.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge him,
And he will make your paths straight.
All that remains for me is to wait.
Monday was a very hard day. We woke to find Thomas' face swollen, his body covered in hives. With his history of breathing trouble, especially allergy-related trouble, the doctor recommended a trip to the emergency room. Around that time a friend called, heartbroken over news she'd received. Several other friends were facing crises, and they were heavy on my heart. New variables came up related to our move, and the weight of more decisions that were hard to make and harder to explain was crushing. Evening came and Micah came home from work. We began to talk about all of these things as I made supper, and suddenly it was too much. I choked back tears and said, "I just need a few minutes in our room. I just need to be alone, to cry it out." I went upstairs, hung my head in my hands, and sobbed. Why, Lord? Why are you doing, allowing, all these things in my friends' lives? Why can't one transition be straightforward? Why another round of decisions? Can't the path just be straight and simple for once?
I sat there in silence, crying, praying. I stretched my arms out and named each of the things that was weighing heavily on my heart. It was a long list. Why? Where was the wisdom I needed for all these decisions? Where are you, God? And then, in the silence,
Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
I've been trusting, Lord! I've been trying so hard. In my heart of hearts, I know you'll provide. I've never doubted it. But HOW?
Trust in the Lord.
Trust doesn't see answers or ways or often even what the next step will be.
We went hiking over the weekend. The trail was covered in leaves from the fall and new spring sprouts. It was beautiful. At one point, I was leading the way. The leaves and sprouts were so thick that I could just make out the trail in front of me. Then, suddenly, it took a turn. It completely disappeared and for about fifteen feet, I couldn't see a trail at all. Then, in the distance, I saw the trail pick up again. I knew, I knew, it was a moment for me.
Trust is like that. We know where we are; we know where we'll be. But sometimes the trail in between is hidden from our sight. Trust.
Lean not on your own understanding.
Ha. I actually laughed! My understanding? What did I even begin to understand in all this? I was so far beyond grasping what he was doing, that it was almost funny to think about leaning on my understanding.
But I am. I'm making decisions based on what I see, how I perceive things.
The God who created the universe, who thought it, and spoke it into being; the God who created such intricate connections and subtleties in all that he made that we are only beginning to grasp it all... That God tells me to ask for wisdom, to trust his wisdom. What is my understanding?
In all your ways, ackowledge him.
There has not been a moment in all of this transition, in all of the crises friends and family are facing, when we have not stopped to acknowledge you, to seek your will, to ask what you would have us do.
I have acknowledged him by seeking him, but have I acknowledged who he is? Have I acknowledged that he is bigger than all these situations? Have I acknowledged that this story is not about me at all, but about him? There are bigger things happening here, and yet I make it a simple story of survival. The richness, the layers of what he's doing in and around me...
I am listening to my "Bebo Norman" station on Pandora today. It always seems to resonate on days like this, to fill me with encouragement and words for where I am. But today I've been frustrated. Every song has been about God's attributes--not how he helps me, but about his character, who he is. They've been worship songs. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it made me angry. And then I began to listen. This God, this powerful, pure, wise, awe-inspiring God--he's the one this story is about. Acknowledge him. Take your eyes off of yourself, off of your situation, and look at him.
And he will make your paths straight.
I froze. I stopped still where I was, because the age-old words mimicked exactly what I had unconsciously prayed. Straight paths. Oh, how I wanted a straight path! Yes, I had to do those other things. But this was not a checklist to guarantee some sort of result. This was a promise. The God who spoke it was already doing it. He was already--always had been-- at work.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge him,
And he will make your paths straight.
All that remains for me is to wait.
