Living in the Holding Pattern
I feel today like I could ramble on and on about life on the brink of transition, about finding peace in the midst of it, about living fully in spite of a major life overhaul on the horizon. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter. But right now I'm finding that the fewer the words, the greater the peace. Sometimes the best thing we can do with the things that weigh most heavily on our minds is to leave them alone. Not that I haven't given them thought, talked them through with the people who have the greatest stake and the greatest wisdom to offer, or spent hours committing them to prayer. But when I've done all that I can do, I'm learning it's best to leave it alone. When I start to mull it over, to give voice to it with others, it takes on a life of its own. My pulse races, my mind becomes a storm of worries and wonders and doubts, and I lose my grip on everything that I should be thinking about now. Like how sweet it is to see my kids playing together. Like how much I enjoy watching my little garden here begin to grow, and how fortunate I am to get one more season to enjoy it. Like how Henry's little red cardinal came back this year, or how that sparrow family returned to our birdhouse. Like how wonderful our friends here are, and how I get just a few more weeks to linger over cups of coffee and share life. Like how, right now, for this moment, I have enough. It's not resignation or ignorance. It's not a holding pattern in the shape of a stalled life. It's choosing to let life keep happening even in the holding pattern.
I won't say the road before us is smooth. In the past week we've encountered several hiccups with settling details on that end with timing, mortgage, insurance, and all the less-fun aspects of moving. While we've had showings on our house here, we continue to await an offer. And the packing... Oh, the packing. Still, life in this small island of "today" is pretty good. It's a complicated thing to pray and wait and watch for the future and yet keep my eyes and heart from all the worry it brings, but somehow we've found a little haven in the holding pattern. For today, that's enough for me.
I just had to add a note to follow up on these thoughts. I was feeling very much at peace--albeit a fragile peace--about the move this morning. And then Micah got a call that we would have a showing on our house tomorrow. My heart raced and I jumped into action, cleaning the house. Ten minutes later, he called back to say the showing had been cancelled. Obviously, there are bigger things in life. But it felt like a serious blow to my (like I said) fragile peace. I was crushed and found myself asking, "Why, God? I was feeling contented and at peace--why mess with it? Why bring up a showing at all?" It's funny how in hindsight these things look smaller, but at the time it consumed me. I struggled, FOUGHT for that peace. As I mulled it over throughout the afternoon, I had a realization. Peace and contentment are good, but peace that can stand the test of adversity, challenges, disappointment--that's real peace. This is where the rubber meets the road. I am claiming peace and joy. I am choosing not to be overwhelmed by these (small) disappointments. The confidence that things will work out is the same, regardless of what news comes in the course of the day. It still needs to be enough!
I won't say the road before us is smooth. In the past week we've encountered several hiccups with settling details on that end with timing, mortgage, insurance, and all the less-fun aspects of moving. While we've had showings on our house here, we continue to await an offer. And the packing... Oh, the packing. Still, life in this small island of "today" is pretty good. It's a complicated thing to pray and wait and watch for the future and yet keep my eyes and heart from all the worry it brings, but somehow we've found a little haven in the holding pattern. For today, that's enough for me.
I just had to add a note to follow up on these thoughts. I was feeling very much at peace--albeit a fragile peace--about the move this morning. And then Micah got a call that we would have a showing on our house tomorrow. My heart raced and I jumped into action, cleaning the house. Ten minutes later, he called back to say the showing had been cancelled. Obviously, there are bigger things in life. But it felt like a serious blow to my (like I said) fragile peace. I was crushed and found myself asking, "Why, God? I was feeling contented and at peace--why mess with it? Why bring up a showing at all?" It's funny how in hindsight these things look smaller, but at the time it consumed me. I struggled, FOUGHT for that peace. As I mulled it over throughout the afternoon, I had a realization. Peace and contentment are good, but peace that can stand the test of adversity, challenges, disappointment--that's real peace. This is where the rubber meets the road. I am claiming peace and joy. I am choosing not to be overwhelmed by these (small) disappointments. The confidence that things will work out is the same, regardless of what news comes in the course of the day. It still needs to be enough!
