How Did We Get Here?
Yesterday in our marriage Sunday school class, we spent some time talking about habits of healthy marriages. It was an overall insightful discussion, but one part of the conversation has stuck with me ever since.
We wandered onto the topic of fighting fair, of responding with grace when we are hurt by the tone or words our spouse uses. So often, instead, our response is to fire back, to snap a retort or an angry comeback. The situation escalates until we hardly remember what started the argument.
Micah and I looked at each other knowingly. Just that morning a similar scene had played out in our own home. A question that was worded in a way that felt condemning. A response that was sharper than intended. A rebuttal that was equally angry. And so it escalated.
It happens constantly with our kids. A behavior is corrected harshly, and the child responds in anger. We hurl back a reprimand, and on and on it escalates. Suddenly everyone involved is heated and angry and hurt and we find ourselves in the midst of a battle.
How did we get here?
Was it even worth the fight?
So many times in the past decade I've reached this crescendo of emotion and wondered how to hit "pause," deflate the emotions, and extricate myself and everyone else from the situation. Sometimes I can't even remember what started the conflict, but I know nothing could have been worth the price being paid. In my non-confrontational mind, all I can think is, "I just want out of this. How do I stop this cycle?"
As I was thinking about yesterday's discussion, I scrolled through my social media accounts. My feed is full of so many posts and comments and arguments and shots fired back and forth across imaginary lines in the sand. Everyone seems to be at odds with everyone else. Innocent comments escalate until they're full-blown battles, and we're caught in the middle wondering, "How did we get here? Is it even worth it?"
It's made me keenly aware. Of the way I approach a conversation. Of the way I perceive and interpret comments. Of the way I respond, even if I'm hurt or offended.
What would it be like to assume the best intention in the other person?
To respond to an angry or accusatory word with gentleness?
To repay hurtful criticism with kindness?
In short, what would it take to respond in love?
Would there be angry outbursts? Heedless arguments? Would my family's moments spiral so often into civil wars?
"A gentle answer turns away anger, but harsh words make tempers flare." (Proverbs 15:1)
Maybe it's worth the effort to try...
We wandered onto the topic of fighting fair, of responding with grace when we are hurt by the tone or words our spouse uses. So often, instead, our response is to fire back, to snap a retort or an angry comeback. The situation escalates until we hardly remember what started the argument.
Micah and I looked at each other knowingly. Just that morning a similar scene had played out in our own home. A question that was worded in a way that felt condemning. A response that was sharper than intended. A rebuttal that was equally angry. And so it escalated.
It happens constantly with our kids. A behavior is corrected harshly, and the child responds in anger. We hurl back a reprimand, and on and on it escalates. Suddenly everyone involved is heated and angry and hurt and we find ourselves in the midst of a battle.
How did we get here?
Was it even worth the fight?
So many times in the past decade I've reached this crescendo of emotion and wondered how to hit "pause," deflate the emotions, and extricate myself and everyone else from the situation. Sometimes I can't even remember what started the conflict, but I know nothing could have been worth the price being paid. In my non-confrontational mind, all I can think is, "I just want out of this. How do I stop this cycle?"
As I was thinking about yesterday's discussion, I scrolled through my social media accounts. My feed is full of so many posts and comments and arguments and shots fired back and forth across imaginary lines in the sand. Everyone seems to be at odds with everyone else. Innocent comments escalate until they're full-blown battles, and we're caught in the middle wondering, "How did we get here? Is it even worth it?"
It's made me keenly aware. Of the way I approach a conversation. Of the way I perceive and interpret comments. Of the way I respond, even if I'm hurt or offended.
What would it be like to assume the best intention in the other person?
To respond to an angry or accusatory word with gentleness?
To repay hurtful criticism with kindness?
In short, what would it take to respond in love?
Would there be angry outbursts? Heedless arguments? Would my family's moments spiral so often into civil wars?
"A gentle answer turns away anger, but harsh words make tempers flare." (Proverbs 15:1)
Maybe it's worth the effort to try...
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