One of the Good Days
Last weekend we went out of town for a wedding. We only knew a handful of people there, and since I was feeling OK, I left my cane in the car. It marked the first time in months that no one knew what had been happening, no one saw me differently, and I was my old normal self. It was a nice little vacation. This week, in general, has been a good one. I went a whole week without using my cane at work. When I got home in the evenings, I spent time with my family, cooked supper, talked to our neighbors. It was one of the good weeks.
On the good days, I feel like this may only be a temporary thing. Maybe it is just a virus, like some of my doctors have suggested. Maybe it was a short-term side effect of something or other. Maybe life will go back to normal, and we'll move on--more deeply appreciative of the little things than ever before.
On the bad days, my thoughts are very different. Last week was one of the bad weeks. On those days, I wonder whether I'll make it to 40 without a wheelchair, whether my kids will ever experience normal, whether my husband will be a virtual single parent. On those days, I don't accomplish much. I feel like life, in general, passes by without me. And, to be honest, I still grieve what I've lost.
The funny thing is the days are black and white; good or bad. There doesn't seem to be any in between. When I'm in the middle of one, it's hard to even remember feeling differently in the other. Sometimes I see the good or bad days coming, but sometimes they still surprise me.
In all of it, though, we're learning to just live. I'm learning not to limit myself unnecessarily. If I'm having a good day, if I'm able to do something, I just do it. Tonight we went for the longest bike ride we've taken in months--right around 3 miles--and it was after I'd worked a full day and a full week. I could, so I did. At the same time, I'm learning to stop myself before I've surpassed my limit. On Wednesday I weeded the garden and desperately needed to do more than I did. But I'd been at it for about an hour and was just starting to feel the effects in my muscles. I went inside and laid down rather than push through it. No one wins when I push through it.
I haven't written much because there's not much new to write. There's just a lot of taking things moment by moment. As much as we can, we forget about the details of this. We live in broad strokes, falling into a rhythm where we can, and adjusting where we're caught off guard. And on the good days, we soak up the sunshine and the wind in our hair as we ride bikes and tackle the things we couldn't do on the bad days.
