The In-Between Spaces
This is how I spent my evening:
If you follow me on facebook, you know I was in an accident yesterday on my way home from work. I was rear-ended just a few blocks from home. I anticipated some soreness, especially today, but when my arms and hands started to tingle I opted to have things checked out. Since I was having neuro symptoms, they put me in a collar and sent to me have a CT scan. And then I waited. And as I waited, my mind began to wander. I couldn't help running all the "what-if" scenarios through my mind, especially after the concerned looks I'd gotten from staff assessing me. What if I wasn't just here as a precaution? What if I really did have nerve damage? What if there would be lifelong consequences? What if I lost use of my hands? What if? What if? What if? My pulse began to race. I stopped and took a deep breath.
I just didn't see any of this coming,I thought to myself. Not the accident, and certainly not the possibility of longterm consequences. What now?
My mind suddenly filled with the memory of all the in-between spaces in which I've found myself before. Those lonely, cold, long hours on the brink of news. Those moments when we're left to wait, hoping against hope that things aren't as bad as we imagine. And then a new thought came through all the noise that was filling my mind.
I knew.
What?
I knew. I knew about the accident before it happened. I knew about this moment in the emergency room. April, none of this surprised me. I was ready for it, even if you weren't. And I'm here now. You don't wait alone.
I sat in the silence a few moments longer. It didn't seem so overwhelming. A quiet trust, a reassurance, had taken the place of the racing thoughts. Somehow, now, this was a familiar place. I'd been in the in-between spaces before, it was true, but I'd never been in them alone. And I wasn't this time, either. No matter what the results showed, I would be all right. Maybe not unharmed as I had hoped, but I would be all right.
A short time later I called my mom to take her up on her offer to come and be with me. Micah was at home with the kids, and I knew it would help to have someone there. By the time she came, the laughter came more easily. We actually had a nice visit together, in spite of our setting. It seemed like hours before the word finally came, but it eventually did: I was all right. There was no major damage to my head and neck. I was sent home with some prescriptions and the neck brace to wear at my discretion, but I would be all right.
I'm grateful for the happy ending. I hugged my husband and children just a little tighter when I got home. But it was just as good for me to be reminded that even in the in-between spaces, as we're waiting for things to be unfolded and revealed, we never wait alone. And the final unfolding never comes as a surprise to the one who waits with us.
If you follow me on facebook, you know I was in an accident yesterday on my way home from work. I was rear-ended just a few blocks from home. I anticipated some soreness, especially today, but when my arms and hands started to tingle I opted to have things checked out. Since I was having neuro symptoms, they put me in a collar and sent to me have a CT scan. And then I waited. And as I waited, my mind began to wander. I couldn't help running all the "what-if" scenarios through my mind, especially after the concerned looks I'd gotten from staff assessing me. What if I wasn't just here as a precaution? What if I really did have nerve damage? What if there would be lifelong consequences? What if I lost use of my hands? What if? What if? What if? My pulse began to race. I stopped and took a deep breath.
I just didn't see any of this coming,I thought to myself. Not the accident, and certainly not the possibility of longterm consequences. What now?
My mind suddenly filled with the memory of all the in-between spaces in which I've found myself before. Those lonely, cold, long hours on the brink of news. Those moments when we're left to wait, hoping against hope that things aren't as bad as we imagine. And then a new thought came through all the noise that was filling my mind.
I knew.
What?
I knew. I knew about the accident before it happened. I knew about this moment in the emergency room. April, none of this surprised me. I was ready for it, even if you weren't. And I'm here now. You don't wait alone.
I sat in the silence a few moments longer. It didn't seem so overwhelming. A quiet trust, a reassurance, had taken the place of the racing thoughts. Somehow, now, this was a familiar place. I'd been in the in-between spaces before, it was true, but I'd never been in them alone. And I wasn't this time, either. No matter what the results showed, I would be all right. Maybe not unharmed as I had hoped, but I would be all right.
A short time later I called my mom to take her up on her offer to come and be with me. Micah was at home with the kids, and I knew it would help to have someone there. By the time she came, the laughter came more easily. We actually had a nice visit together, in spite of our setting. It seemed like hours before the word finally came, but it eventually did: I was all right. There was no major damage to my head and neck. I was sent home with some prescriptions and the neck brace to wear at my discretion, but I would be all right.
I'm grateful for the happy ending. I hugged my husband and children just a little tighter when I got home. But it was just as good for me to be reminded that even in the in-between spaces, as we're waiting for things to be unfolded and revealed, we never wait alone. And the final unfolding never comes as a surprise to the one who waits with us.
